my resume my reality

 Hey, Paul, this is son of Muriel and Georgie. Well, you know basically what you need to know about me, except that I never apologized for being a hookup in your house, and I hope that it didn't fit your children to go any which way. So I'm firmly apologizing for that. And why? Why this late time? Well, just like October 15th, so I've been having some issues. My body is not spontaneous anymore. Of course, I'm like 40 pounds overweight, so, and I don't really eat the things I used to eat.

So that being said, I was trying to wonder about Como and Matthews, and did they really commit

suicide? Could their deaths be classed as suicide? I was having all these suicidal thoughts, and I was trying to, I was sort of confused, frustrated, because I wanted to at least be around until Alvin's, you know, after Alvin's 100th birthday.

Alvin's 100th birthday. That was one of my goals. And then anything could play after, or in January, or the last week in January, 2028, or June that year, 2028, or September 2028.

I mean, one of those three months, I'd like to die in one of those months. You know, I'm not, I have no fears, I have no fear of death. I just don't want to be going through pain. I mean, I remember when I saw Colin's face, I thought, I said the man was smiling, and my sister said no. You know, that's not smiling, that's grimace.

And I wonder, you know, what I knew of him, or what I'm aware of him, and what I'm aware of me, and I'm the worst person. Between him, I'm worse than him. And if he had to go through that much pain, I could imagine what pain I would have to bear. But saying that is that since he passed, I didn't really want to live. Because I knew that he would somehow be my coalition buddy. You know, I don't know if to say soulmate would be the correct thing, you know. But it would be unfair to me, when I transition to the next dimension, that he's not there with me. You know what I mean? I would feel kind of cheated, just like I feel in this life. That he's not there with me to the end, to my end. I thought he was going to bury me, you know, in the family plot there in the district. But what do I know?

Because Lana went when she was about 12 years old. Lana was my second girlfriend, but my main girlfriend, the person who is the prototype for everybody that I ever liked. Then after that, you know, and it was Colin who brought that to my awareness. See, me and Colin was very, very tight. So, and the other Colin, you know, Ossie’s Colin, that's my boy, man. But I feel guilty about him.

Really, really good. Like I feel about Matthew, because Matthew wanted me to come stay with him,

come live with him. And I never went with a man one day to dialysis. You know, I feel guilty because man, he and I grew up so tight. You know, used to piss on each other on the bed and shit like that, get whipped by his grandmother, and still go back and do the same things the next day. You know, I love Matthew's death, man. But I saw, I saw within the garden, my privacy, you know, because people start spreading rumors about me and, you know, blood borne diseases and

viruses and shit. And it was not something I really want to hear. Even my sister, your brother, and I'm getting into getting involved with this, that, you know, it was so, you know, it was worse than betrayal. I mean, at one point, I didn't want to deal with that. I wanted to close my eyes to that. I even thought about flying through some windows, you know. All right, because it was more demoralizing than people close to me, or supposedly close to me. People who I thought, this is the thing that is killing me. People who I thought love me unconditionally. People who I thought love my uncle unconditionally, you know, have shown another face. I mean, the only way to put it is exactly what's coming out of my mind, demonic. You know, I mean, some people running back into the curriculum to grab property, to vote in other people's elections. You know, that kind of thing

pisses me off. But when you're gonna undress me in public, that's very against my mother's behavior and against my uncle's behavior. And both of these people have done so much for a lot of them, that was really tearing me and cutting apart. It was very, very hard for me to deal with it.

If it wasn't blood, I might have gotten violent. But I knew, as we all knew, I would not have

sanctioned any blood vetting. You know, so that's one of the reasons why I did these things fly.

You know, I think that's one of the reasons why my mother kept me away from her big son.

She noticed real hatred there, you know. And the funny thing is, her son don't understand

that I hate him. I don't understand that. How could you be around me for 26 years and don't really understand what my hate is?

So, when people tell me or ask me about him, I wonder if they're friends or enemies.

So, I'm giving you this because I want you to understand the whole picture.

You know, things on the surface. People smile, but are they really smiling?

You know, it could be a frown. You know, I frown a lot and people think I'm smiling.

But, um, I've suffered a lot. Suffered enough. And I think it's because I don't compromise.

My mother telling me to kiss people's ass. I don't have to kick their ass, but kiss the ass.

And kiss ass to kick ass. But that was not me. You know, I just believe that if I think you're my

enemy at one point, and once I realize that you're not with me, then I'm supposed to just stay away from you. It doesn't have to be bloodshed. You know, when I was a young story, it had to be violent because that's the only thing I know. I mean, not the only thing I know, but that's the only way I

express myself back then. If I didn't, if you cross me, then I feel that you should feel the pain.

So that was the whole attitude. Because what I got that from, we didn't know Western books, especially them Comanche books. I don't know if you know, but I used to read a lot of Louis L'Amour and all of those shits. I don't really like the Comanche stories, the Indian stories.

Not understanding that African warrior codes were similar. As a matter of fact, I didn't realize

there was an African until I got in high school. You know, I thought I was one of some other people.

And in high school, I realized that I wasn't really a Caribbean person.

So, and I didn't really get into warrior codes until recently, about a couple years ago.

And I realized the Samurai warrior code, and the Mandinka warrior code, and the Comanche warrior code, the same damn thing. You know, so I think they're all, you know, they're all coming out of that African experience. But I don't want to kid you with that. But yeah, my consciousness. And so in other words, I was having this really long, dumb period, you know, I guess because there's no dead war, there's no somebody to show many love or anything. So I'm more like a guy who does go to heaven every now and then, you know, and sometimes it's not heaven, sometimes it's hell. And when it's hell, you got to go see the doctor, you know. So, and that's the situation is most people I'm dealing with, I end up dealing with medical professional people.

And that's the greatest regret. Sometimes I wish I was a hermit.

You know, then my body would not have gone through this kind of hell that it went through.

All right. So, from that absolute period, I wasn't feeling good. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think it has to do with aging.

I think it was primarily being alone and start feeling lonely. You know, longing for people who are gone. You know, I think that's what really brought that on. And I'm very, very emotional. I know you know that. I'm very thin-skinned. You know, very emotional. And there's only one way. I only take a one thing. You either fall me or you're against me.

And when you're against me, you're against my whole ancestry. Whether you're blood or not. Because to me, the body has DNA. And if you have that, and if you don't have arrived at that spiritual level of understanding, then you're not, um, end up traveling with the same frequency and the same vibration that I'm traveling. Because at some point, I'm going to escape this body. You know, like Colin and Compton and David and your mother and everybody else before us. You know, so it has to be a spiritual thing. A spiritual awakening at some point. So you may not understand people violating me and then asking me for forgiveness.

I  don't deal with forgiveness. You know, don't deal with that. If you want forgiveness, go get that imaginary Jesus Christ or the white man's God or something. Them thing that's about forgiveness. Um, when I deal with that. The only thing in the Christian Bible that they like is a knife and iron tooth for a tooth. You know, if you violate me, then you should, you should expect

to be violated. I don't have to respond, but that's what it's like. But anyway, the, the, the pronouncement was because I was worried. I was worried that next year, 2020 could have been my loss, could be by my own hand. But then I decided to call James Campbell. I'm not aware if you know, if you're aware of James Campbell, but James Campbell is my mother's first cousin, right? The common ancestor also named James Campbell. And so I told him I was having issues with my manhood. And he started laughing. You know, he says, it's not to be suicidal about that. He said he had those issues. And he recommend that I have my prostate check on hormone levels check.

Uh, and follow exactly what's the root cause. And if is, if the, if the people I'm around with is stressful, or if I'm too anxious, then I should calm them and have some foreplay and all of that stuff, which I know about the foreplay, these making me relax. I always do that. All right. Now,

and after the conversation or during and after the competition with him, I start to relax. I started to understand, I started to realize it was not that serious. And I've had episodes or bouts with this shit before, you know, but I always put it down to anxiety or depression at some point. But now it could

be other things that are factors like food, you know, stuff that you eat, and that you're not eating, and not exercising and stuff like that. But it's not a big deal. That real urgency to drop my resume, my legacy or pass it on, you know, it has passed.

But he reinforced this view that our common ancestor was 96 years old. And this fella decided to have a 36 year old wife. And he was dead within two years. Now, your father is doing the same thing. You know, he's in his 90s. He was 92, whatever. What do you want with such a young girl? Just like my father. My father was like 90 odd. And when I went to the house, this woman could not be 33, 31, 33 years old.

And when I talked to the man, the man said, don't talk to him like that, talk to my mother like that.

You know, so I don't understand these old men, the men that they get to their 90s, why they want these  women that are so young that could hurt them. I don't understand that part. You know, me, I like to  see stretch marks. You know, although I didn't put the, although I was not the reason for the stretch mark, I like to see stretch marks. And I like to put my head on stretch marks. When I was youngster, I didn't, I used to hate it. You know, but now I want to see stretch marks. I want to see, I mean, I don't want to deal with babies, or I don't want to deal with the old ass woman. But somebody with some stretch marks, I mean, they're built through shit. They ain't going to, you know, nobody playing bullshit games, you know. I'm not talking about, you know, things. But anyway, the point that, the main point that I want to say is that nobody left me a blueprint for anything, you know, Baiya, Ozzie, Kreik, Banna, they never told me about erectile issues as you get older, you know. And every time I come and come to some kind of difficulties, my analytical mind takes over. And I said in my mind the other day, I was running this over my mind. My parents, you know, in their acts of procreation could have been pleasure, could have been maybe they think it's a duty to each other. Now, the result of their action produced me, or birthed me. Now, I had no say so in that process, right? And could it have been love? How could you love me and bring me into a situation where I have to deal with all the struggling and all the pain? So, realistically, whenever I analyze people say parents love them, I question that. You know, I really, really question that.

I also question the idea that women love their children all the same way, the same methodology or the same thing. Because clearly, clearly, this has happened in my experience, nobody ever put me first.

George was always put first. And because of George, well, not because of George and other problems. My father refused to hold onto that situation. You know, so that's, that's really it is in a nutshell.

But I apologize for bringing that whore up in your house. I don't know why I went there.

I don't know why I went there with that prostitute in your house. And I apologize for that. I mean,

This is years later, but I had, I had to get this off my chest. So like, I apologize to Chrissy for hitting him. And Andrew for hitting him. I mean, I'm not asking people to forgive me. But I just apologize here. I won't even forgive them. So I need to get this out there. Because I'm a man. You know, a man apologizes when he knows he's wrong.

You know, and when I violate people. And so when I realized I violate people, I apologize. It's as simple as that. Now, I couldn't write this, but

To me, writing it would not bring out the same emotion, the same frequency, the same vibration as talking it, you know. So the urgency of relating stuff to you has passed.

You know, James Campbell has taken care of that.

I don't know if you know him, but he's a, he's a doctor and my mother's first gun. He's probably one of the last ones alive.

You know, you know, he told me he was 85 when I thought he was up close to 90. I thought he was close to your father's age, but I don't know. All right. So this is what I have for you.

If it makes sense. Whatever. It is just my perspective. My reality. And that knows, you know, I love your father.

My father, while I was in the womb. So, and I love him today, as I loved him yesterday. And so I cannot hate any of his children.

None of them never really put their hand on me physically. So I can't hate, I can't hate any of Alwyn's children or Sally's people. It's hard for me to do that.

But, um, I had to tell Tucker never put his hand on me. And so, cause I told him I didn't want to hate him. So, and then Tucker had an understanding from since then. So, um, yeah, because to me, when you, when one of us hate each other, then we're hating the ancestors.

You know, yes, I said, I don't like George and I hate George, but it wouldn't be violent because I know it will be against my people. And I can't do that.

So me and Colin fight a lot. But that's a different thing. Just like brotherly stuff. You know, the one time I almost killed him, but, you know, I have perished, I have perished with that thought.

But, um, yeah, it was no hatred between me and Colin, period. You know, Colin was somebody who was supposed to be my coalition partner.

You know, somebody had to go with me to the end. I opened my eyes with Colin, man, you know.

All right. So, there it is. I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying, that we have to go through life and experience all these different things that males experience.

And the older folks did not tell us that we have to deal with these things. That's, that's the issue. You know, all right. So, this is what I have for you.